wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
