Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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