i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
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I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
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I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize