Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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