you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
