Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
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Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
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Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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