apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
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