you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We named our party play list daddy issues
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
