I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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