I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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