Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
