Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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