The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
