What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize