I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
