We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
