i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
