Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
my liver is dry heaving
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
