I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
