my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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