we made out on top of his cat.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.