when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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