Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
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She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
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This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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