i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
