I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
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I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
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I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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