Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
