I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
