I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
