Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
