Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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