Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Randomize
