yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
