Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
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i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
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I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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