My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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