Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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