i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
