Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
