Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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