Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize