there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You are a genius and a whore.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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