I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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