we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
