Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
time to smoke my breakfast
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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