the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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