Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
