He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
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All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
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Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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