ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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