I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
