You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this