Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
