Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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